I don’t like to go outside very often. And I don’t mean outside as outdoors. I go outdoors more than most, in fact you can surely say that I do go places. But i don’t go outside of my head very often. Sometimes I do more than I would like to. Sometimes i am being pulled out of there by cashiers in the shops, taxi drivers or flight attendants - all wanting me to make some important decisions. How would I like to pay, where do I want to go, and what do I want to eat. It is paradoxical that although being so opinionated and particular with my choices, I often feel glad when there is no choice, or it is very limited. in this way I can avoid dealing with the whole burden of decision making process. If my ego is somewhere sleeping or taking a vacation, I even let others to make these decisions for me. People often think I am inattentive or careless because i come across as such. I don’t rush for the bill at the restaurant not because I wouldn’t happily pay it but because I will have to make the decision whether to pay for everyone, or just for myself, split the bill halves. What is more appropriate? And even if i know that i just want to pay for all regardlessly, there are still things i need to deal with. How would i like to pay? cash, do i have enough? do i need to open my wallet and count? Pay by card? which one of them? which currency would make more sense to pay here? what are the charges on my card? where do i have the most money? what is the pin on that card? should i login to my online banking? is there wifi here? do i really wanna see my balance and whether all the electricity bills came through? and if they did, i will probably need to forward them to my flatmate. You see it is too much stuff I don’t wanna think about. It is the practicality, the details i am not really interested in. It is too much thinking for what seemed as a simple decision to make.
In my world all is well. There is no need for all this logic and practical solutions. In my world i know what i know. I know my feelings and emotions towards other people and i assume they do and we have all these great amazing relationships. Where in reality I am a bit too occupied enjoying this world inside my head that I often fail to smile when they walk in the room, let alone give them time and attention to build this kind of relationship.
Lately I have been out of my world much more often. In fact it is under reconstruction at the moment. The unplanned reconstruction that seems to take much longer than i would anticipate. I still prefer going there while standing in the queues, filling documents and navigating taxi drivers. It is just kind of sad right now, there are not that many colours, there are ruins of dreams, hopes and wishes, and although I am laying bricks for new foundations, most of the times i have smoke breaks on the bench with my own self. But we don’t speak anymore. We got nothing to say to each other. I can’t blame her and say ‘We should have thought this through. We should have planned better ahead for the future’. Well not really, this is precisely why we are here at the first place, we don’t like to think things through. I want the happy ending but I don’t really care about the in between and how we get there. At the same time I always do whatever it takes to get the things that i want. Maybe that is why it works most of the time.
But of course we didn’t account for all the reconstruction. All the time and expenses. Not that I ever would because you can’t have a plan on not having a plan. Anyway it is taking time, and I am impatient. I am impatient so I smoke by the side watching myself from one side burning bridges and building walls, and from the other staring at the horizon, creating a new fantasy. The one that I will dream about in the nights, the one that I could zone out too when I don’t want to hear the noise of all this talking, the one that nobody can take away from me. Because it is mine and only mine.
In this sense love is also a fantasy land, an illusion that you have imagined between you and the other person. Whether it is two of you creating a shared dream world or just one person projecting all the possible scenarios you too could have had together. The problem with shared one though is that you are always at risk that the other person may ruin your fantasy. You have them there in the daily life to contradict your perceptions of them, to do what you would never expect them to do, to play off the script. Whereas in one sided love the fantasy is yours and nobody can take it away from you.
Inspired by
Ae Dil Hai Mushkil movie - ‘The incomplete love is complete in itself’
Astrology readings - those with dominant Neptune influence in the chart, escapism, dream world, self deception, illusion
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